I went to read a post titled “Troubled” . It was a young woman’s exerpt about looking for love and worried if she would ever find true love. I could not reply to her as she did not allow comments. As she was left feeling hopeless, I thought others might also be in this tough spot in their life without the relationship they long for. I’ve been there too and want to share some perspective.
My husband today is not my first. I didn’t always get things right with the other relationships I had. My dating life was far from perfect. In fact, there were many bloopers. There were some that weren’t even safe. I will spare everyone the details.
God is the only one that can love us “fully”, so not just unconditionally. There are some human beings on this planet that do have a Godly love that so many of us are longing for.
I was very familiar with dating the egotistical type, the selfish, the rude, the addicts. I dated guys on the other side of me politically and those who did not share my faith. I went through the gamut of undesirable males, and my standards were obviously not very high.
I am working at trying to not put myself down…and not to judge others too harshly, as it sounds like I may have already in my post.
After marrying one man, not equally yoked, I divorced after 10 and a half years. It was not the only reason, but it was a troubled marriage since baby number one was born. After we had three and things grew worse, he stopped going to church with the family. This lack of interest in God and worship was the final straw for me. Maybe it was just an excuse I used.
I was not perfect and this break up of the family was not entirely one-sided. I am partly to blame for it. It is complicated, but just know I’m not proud of that corner of my life. I’m sorry this all has destroyed a family. Divorce is a very sad thing. I’m sad for my children.
I was now a single mom of three children. Ages 3, 8 and 10. We went to church each Sunday. Even when my son was in middle school and a bit of a rebel. He had his friend cut his hair into a Mohawk. Without my knowing, of course. Talk about embarrassing for me, taking him to church. I just thought, “God loves him, he needs church and hair will grow.” It wasn’t always easy raising these children alone, but sometimes it was. Better than being in a bitter marriage, for me.
I did do some dating and some just hanging out with friends and watched as couples interacted with each other to see what I wanted and what I would never put up with. I made plenty of bad choices and fell flat on my face often. I put trust in some I never should have.
I found out that the creeps could sometimes fool me with their flattery. I craved the attention and was lonesome for affection.
Finally, after many bad dates, I thought I found the one I would spend the rest of my life with. We had known each other as friends for over a year and then started dating. I thought we were growing closer but I wanted us to read our Bibles together too. He went to a Bible believing church so was sure he was a Christian.
I suggested we read the Bible together. He rejected the idea. I was shocked. It wasn’t long before he started treating me differently. He became more and more stand offish. I could not figure it out but he was clearly annoyed by something. Before I knew it, he was calling off our relationship. Just like that! We had seven months of dating between us by now. This made things worse…for me. I figured after a year we would move on or make a decision….you know the “ring” ….the “M” – word.
I remember sobbing myself to sleep that night. My daughter could here me in her room downstairs and came up to check on me. She was a high school senior then. I didn’t realize I had been crying that loudly. I can’t remember ever falling for someone that hard. But, eventually, after many nights of falling to sleep, only because I put on headphones and listened to Christian music in my ears. This was the only thing that passified me.
Once again….I wrote men off for good! I was determined to forever remain single. But I also made a commitment to God. I remember telling Him “I will never choose a guy to date again, but you do it for me or take away the desire I have and I will stay single. I am so bad at this God. I always choose the wrong type of person for me. You know what is best.”
I didn’t know how or it God would give me what I wanted. I did feel a burden lifted and no longer had a desire to let myself get close to anyone again to give them my heart. God would make it clear to me if there would be another. I trusted His better judgement for me.
I had more nights of crying myself to sleep but it was intermitent now. I still remember the song that stilled my soul the best, “Be Ye Still…and know that I am God. I will move your mountains if you (I forget)….be ye still…” (I have the CD still and will listen when I am really hurting or going through a trial.)
It was not long….just weeks before God was bringing my husband to be and me together. I had just moved into the townhouse next door to a man I had already met. We met at a benefit a month earlier. (I was still dating my dumpee at this time.) A mutual friend’s brother had cancer. The mutual friend was also best friends with the guy who just dumped me for being a Bible thumper.
The mutual friend knew me, via my dumpee and also my future husband to be, which I didn’t know at the time would be. (Confused?) The mutual friend went to high school with my future husband.
He took him aside at the benefit and told him (although I had not been dumped yet), “There is someone I want you to meet. I think you two would really get along.”
He must have known by now me and the other guy weren’t getting along or just weren’t right for each other. I wonder if God had been whispering in his ear?
This gentleman, my new friend, would soon become my husband. But, not because I felt it was right….because it didn’t. I was most uncomfortable with this gentleman. I call him a gentleman because it is exactly what he was and is to this day. He was genuine from the start. I was not used to that. I was not used to this kind of guy. I dated jerks. Guys who did not know how to treat a woman with respect and dignity, nor did I seem to require it, or at least it seemed normal behavior to me. I had low standards.
This guy was loved by his three children….all within months of ages as my three kids.
This guy was clean and neat.
This guy and I could talk about just about any topic and had interesting conversations with each other…not just to talk about himself. He was genuinely interested in me as a person.
This guy loved his family including his parents and siblings.
So many things about this guy I saw as perfect, for any “other” girl. I could not see myself with him but maybe just a friend. I didn’t feel I “deserved” such a catch.
This guy had a steady job and was with the same company for almost 25 years.
This guy was very secure, not jealous or envious. Never spoke bad of anyone.
A true Christian man, his highest quality and what every woman should look for in the one she wants to marry, or even date.
I was very uncomfortable with him as I was not used to being with “this kind of guy”….but then, this time my guy was “GOD-picked” not just by my standards. God thought my standards were not high enough…obviously. He is always right.
So when the enemy, the devil….whispered in my ear, “You don’t deserve him. Look at your past. His kids adore him and your family is not so close.” Whatever comparrison Satan could throw at me, it seemed to be working on me and I started to have doubts….until I decided to not listen to Satan.
God did the picking after all. His choice is always the best choice. There were too many coincidences with how this all came to fall into my lap. The timing, the mutual relationships bringing us together. The meeting each other face to face first at the benefit. The fact we are equally yoked. He and I both Christians. We are 8 months apart….each have 3 children….each divorced….each have kids close in ages.
I was very uncomfortable,but learned with months of counceling (having been with an addict) and reading enough self-help books about the subject, it was the very reason to date this person. I was used to one type that was bad for me. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and go against my instincts to find a healthy relationship. It was not easy. You want to resist.
I listened to what Jesus says about me, “You are loved, you are forgiven, you are white as snow, you are my child, you are seated in heavenly realms, you are mine, I know the desires of your heart. TRUST ME in this.”
All other times I listened to my own feelings. Today, my mind is filled with God’s truth, His Word. The Bible is the sword we all need to sharpen to send the enemy to flee from us. The Holy Spirit will help us understand it. read what you can. Just a chapter, just a verse.
I am sorry I can’t speak to the woman who wrote the post that moved me to write this post. Maybe someone can take away something from it. God knows your heart and what you are longing for. If you trust in Him he will help you find it. His timing is perfect.
During the time I was waiting for someone, I would pray for them. I would think …..”God is working on them, just as he was working on me. We aren’t ready for each other yet.”
I would wait for as long as it would take. I would not get in the way and try to date again. This was my promise I made to God that night I cried into my pillow. I didn’t want to mess up again. The heartache wasn’t worth the trouble. I would rather stay single.
I know that my husband has a gentler and kinder way about him than I do. We both have things we are working on and maybe that is why it works with us. We somehow compliment each other. We know each of us has more work to do with God’s help. Like sandpaper doing the finishing work, we each work on each others rough spots, but with gentleness and respect right? Hopefully!
Sometimes he is so good it irritates me but that is because my background was different than his. I was used to being treated more harshly, not physically , but not with kid gloves. His entire family is pretty laid back and kind. Mine is loud and direct and opinionated and sensitive. We are all raised in different homes but people can change. Hearts can change, but only with God. If not for Jesus Christ in my life I would not be happy about where I might be and who I may have chosen.
Tonight we were both working on a small project together and I had some tacky glue on the end of a pencil, just to make it easier to apply the glue. When finished I handed the pencil to my husband and before I knew it, as quickly as he grabbed it from me it fell to the floor.
Being our age, we are finding that we are both loosing our strength in our grips. We both drop things more and more and it used to be a frustration. Now we are getting used to the many changes we are seeing as we continue to age. Tonight we just had a good laugh over it as we each blamed the other. It was a hilarious moment for us. You would have to be there.
I am glad we have finally reached a point of acceptance in our marriage. I used to be more critical. I am winding down. It is good. I need to make light of more things. I always ask God to help me to be a good wife. I kid my husband (he never writes) that when he writes his first book to write about me, and call it, “The Good Wife”. We both laugh. It is good to be here at this point in our marriage. This must be what they call the Golden Years.
These last 15 years, I’ve gotten used to being around a gentleman, my husband.
I hope God will bless you with one of your own if you are one woman out there feeling “troubled” about it.
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
My post refers to this blogger’s post titled: Troubled
Posted by theclassywildgirl on
(Here is just a small exerpt……)
“Am I ever going to find someone right for me, I don’t want to be trapped by another loose ended relationship.”